I’ve been feeling down. Not down enough to stay in bed all day. Just enough to sigh and mutter, “Oh well.” to myself a lot. You know how you look in the mirror for a while as you try this and try that and then you say, “Oh I don’t care!” and walk into your day? But you do care. I care.
This really isn’t about my looks, or how I feel about my looks. But that kind of mirror moment is a small symptom of my days when I feel down. It’s always about more than what I look like.
This morning I had my first cup of coffee while still in bed. This has been a new and quite lovely little habit that began while my kids and their kids were living with us. I like a quiet morning, so I usually stayed put until they finished their family breakfast time. I also felt like it was important for them to have at least one meal a day with just them around the table.
Anyway, after my bed-coffee this morning, I began the day puttering around the kitchen and a few sad sighs escaped my lips. I decided to take a faith step and turn on some uplifting music. Some Jesus-loving music.
Even as I asked Google for my song choice, I thought it was probably a wasted effort.
This is the problem with faith. Faith requires faith. Faith takes faith.
At least a tiny bit anyway.
Something inside me had to know that choosing uplifting music could make a difference. Right? Even though a very big part of my mind told me it was a futile effort. Things are still what they are. My issues will still be my issues. The facts will still be the facts.
AND THEN the words floated above me and tried hard to get past my mind and into my heart. I almost batted them away. I nearly grumbled back at them as I sometimes do when a song says that I am loved and treasured by God.
But I did not bat the simple words away this time. I did not fully embrace them either.
I asked myself if I had enough faith to have faith. If I had just enough faith to be open to faith. The Bible talks about how teeny, tiny faith, even as small as a mustard seed is enough. But I’ve had huge faith in the past that did not end well. So…
Faith takes faith. I am not a big fan of this. I am a planner. A precise, meticulous planner. If I have to drive somewhere new, I not only look it up on mapquest, but I also look at the route on satellite-mode so I can actually see the landmarks, intersections and any possible barriers. I PRINT out the directions because I do not trust my gps. GPS only tells me one turn at a time. I like the whole picture, thank you very much!
This morning I had just enough faith to ask Google to play Steffany Gretzinger instead of Frank Sinatra for a change. Nothing wrong with Frank. Both can be heartwarming and soothing. Both make me smile.
Faith takes faith. Or it can take a small step of “whatever, let’s give it a go..”
And it helped. My sighing turned to a soft humming. God knows me. He gets my quirks, my weird requirements. He loves me, even when I don’t. That’s pretty cool.